


ship of fools (even cowgirls get the blues mix)

by frogfarm



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/F, Gen, Guilt, Original Character(s), Redemption, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-12 19:48:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13554348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frogfarm/pseuds/frogfarm
Summary: After the heat of battle, the hardest part is to live.Post-"To Helicon and Back"; Gabrielle POV / Varia POV.





	ship of fools (even cowgirls get the blues mix)

**Author's Note:**

> A new record: I started this fic sixteen and a half years ago, not long after the final episode of Xena.
>
>> They fuck you up, your mum and dad  
> They may not mean to, but they do  
> They fill you with the faults they had  
> And add some extra, just for you.
> 
>   
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
>   
> 

_To a strong Amazon Nation..._

Though the words still rang in Gabrielle's mind, they felt only hollow. Salt spray clung to her cheeks like tears she no longer felt capable of shedding, for all those they had lost and left behind. When they first crossed these waters to Helicon, the ship had been nearly full. Now a scant three and twenty Amazons remained: Eighteen under Varia's command, the remainder under Cyane, and not one of them older than Gabrielle herself. For most it had been their first battle, and for many, their last.

She stared out over the waves, watching the endless faces of the dead pass before her eyes. The voices of the living failed to penetrate as she struggled to control her thoughts. The ship they were on was larger than she was used to, taken from Bellerophon's harbor as spoils of war after their own had been destroyed in the approach. Upon boarding, Xena had taken the opportunity to instruct the young women in basic seacraft, an area traditionally neglected among the southern tribes; the Amazons had readily adapted to the new environment, and were now clambering about the rigging as easily as they had learned to move through the trees. It was an inspiring sight, and one that should bring joy to her heart. But it also made her frighteningly aware of just how much knowledge and history had been lost, even during the comparatively short span of time they had lain asleep in their icy tomb. Her own education had always been at the last moment whenever someone found it necessary to enlighten her regarding another tidbit of Amazon history, usually involving some sort of tradition or ritual that was embarassing, disgusting and even lethal. Xena often spoke admiringly of the well-rounded education offered to women of the tribe, and from personal experience alone had probably forgotten more of their history than Gabrielle had ever known. Xena could teach them so many things; how to heal the sick, to mend a seam, even navigate by the stars themselves. What had she done, except tell stories?

A painful twinge deep in her shoulder reminded her of the painful blow she'd taken during the final battle. Her slouched posture was only aggravating the injury, as Xena never failed to point out, and she straightened her back with a grimace. Land was not far off, and she'd have to lose her sea legs all over again.

If she tried to remain objective, Gabrielle had no difficulty recognizing Varia's own significant burden of guilt. It didn't change the fact that Amazons had died under her command. Bad enough she'd been forced once again to lead total strangers into battle, where a moment's hesitation turned fatal could end a man's life, a boy's innocence and something inside herself that she still couldn't put a name to. The face of Phlanagus joined the dead women in her mind, along with Joxer's silence, more eloquent than any shout of accusation.

 _No,_ she thought, angrily quashing the flicker of guilt. She and Varia had earned each ther's trust and even respect, despite repeated setbacks. The dead were mourned, burned and buried. The best way to honor their memory was for the Amazons to live well, and to learn from each other as she and Xena had.

A motion at the corner of her vision made her turn. Xena was leaning back against a taut length of rope held tight in her fist, helping two Amazons thin as winter trees in hoisting the largest sail. The warrior could have easily accomplished the task singlehanded, but now the lesson was one of cooperation and communication. Raven hair brushed the deck, the muscles of Xena's arms and back standing out in sharp relief as one girl scrambled past her to tie the rope off.

Xena looked up long enough to inspect the knot and gave a smile of approval, releasing her grip and wiping sweat from her brow Gabrielle imagined the ship beneath her feet turning in the breeze, and it brought to mind her old theory. What if the earth they walked upon, the oceans they sailed, were just one more star in everyone else's sky, moving endlessly through...

"Hey."

She emerged from her mental meandering to find Varia beside her, looking out over the prow. The younger woman wore an expression much like Gabrielle imagined her own only moments ago. She offered a tentative nod, waiting for the younger woman to continue; it was a strategy that had served Xena well for many years, and one which she was beginning to see the wisdom of.

Birds called above them as the ship swayed back and forth. She was nearly on the verge of speech when Varia chose to break the silence.

"Thanks."

Gabrielle did her best to look unsurprised. "For what?"

The quiet grief in Varia's smile was outmatched by newfound strength. "Not giving up on me."

The bard exhaled, inexplicably relieved she was being neither praised nor damned.

"I think forgiveness comes easier with practice." She watched as Xena leapt to a hanging rope, scrambling from there to the highest platform. The warrior scanned the horizon and raised one hand with an affirmative thumb, bringing a ragged cheer from the assembled Amazons.

Xena launched herself from the crow's nest with an answering yell, barely hitting the deck before being surrounded with a throng of admiring youngsters clamoring for her attention. As Gabrielle felt herself begin to relax, she felt the sure sign of recovery: An actual twinge of seasickness, her first in many moons. She found the now-familiar spot on her wrist and pressed down, searching briefly for the right angle and relaxing as the nausea dissipated. Hopefully they would reach land before nightfall and she wouldn't have to resort to the trick more than once, or she'd be eating things she normally wouldn't have sat down at the table with.

Varia was watching her carefully. "Are you all right?" 

"I am now." The Amazon's concern for her welfare was oddly jarring after the events of the past few days. It was apparent that something was still on Varia's mind, and Gabrielle felt the pangs of wistful memory. Of a time before Xena, the near total lack of responsibility -- not that she'd seen it that way, not at the time -- and of knowing that someone else was in charge of the big decisions.

Time, she decided, to take the minotaur by the horns. She looked back out over the prow, away from whatever reaction might come. "You know, I do forgive you."

Varia gave a guilty start, and Gabrielle nearly smiled. This had to be what Xena had felt like when a certain starry-eyed bard had often wondered if the warrior was reading her mind. It was likely that very little could surprise her any more.

"You're sure you don't want to be Queen?" 

_Almost nothing._ She covered her hesitation with a cough, and Varia bit her lip as the bard regained her equilibrium. 

"Quite sure." Gabrielle kept her smile from being too weary, but the younger Amazon was still regarding her with that all too familiar mixture of hope and awe. The sun was just beginning to sink below the horizon, a stark contrast to the dead of night when they had departed for Helicon. "I've always been better with the occasional crisis than the daily routines."

Varia was adamant. "You'd be a great Queen."

"For a little while." Gabrielle had to look away from the glare of the sun on the water, rubbing fiercely at her eyes until the pain subsided, fighting not to add her own tears to the ocean. She drew a trembling breath, feeling a little light headed as the effects of the pinch began to sink in.

"Varia, you can feel guilty about what's happened between us -- you, and me, and Xena. Or we can all learn from our mistakes and move on." She turned to the Amazon, encouraged by an shy but genuine smile. "We all make bad decisions sometimes. But it's almost never too late to change your mind."

 _Except when you've just walked off a cliff,_ she thought. Varia's smile had fallen once more.

"After I betrayed you? And the entire Nation?" The words were spoken without bitterness, but Varia looked away before continuing. "You can't forgive that. And Cyane --"

Gabrielle shook her head, recalling the other Amazon's words: _Such treason should be punished by death._ And the sentiment was clear. How could she lead a tribe already fragmented, after she herself had nearly torn it apart?

She looked over the ship's deck and throughout the rigging. No obvious signs of strife were apparent, although the two groups of Amazons were still feeling each other out, and not in a fun way. Gabrielle could feel herself beginning to shrug off the quiet sense of detachment that had enveloped her since the moment of truth, when she had vowed to be "cold and ruthless" to keep the Amazons alive. The casualties of their mission had reduced the number of Varia's group almost to that of Cyane's, and those remaining were obviously running close to their limits of endurance despite their apparent high spirits. At least she could discern no resentment between the tribes; if so, it was well concealed.

"I think you'll work it out." But she didn't want to risk looking back at Varia yet, and she was glad for the cheers that rose as the Amazons sighted the land that until that moment had eluded all but Xena's sight. Her own eyes were drawn again to the warrior as Xena directed the newly anointed crew along the coast, giving them last minute instruction on the finer points of when and where to weigh anchor.

"Cyane accepted you as a leader before," Gabrielle continued, "and she can do it again. Remember -- Marga gave _you_ her right of caste."

"Marga's part of the problem," Varia muttered. Gabrielle frowned.

"Why's that?"

"I feel like I betrayed her more than anyone." Varia met her gaze once again. "I said I'd make her _proud._ "

"And?" Gabrielle gently prompted. The Amazon lowered her eyes, but her voice remained steady.

"When Livia -- when _Eve_ came to us...all I could think of was honoring Marga's memory. She was the one who said Eve would die if she ever again set foot on Amazon land." Varia swallowed a bitter chuckle. "But she never would have made a deal with the God of War just because she felt guilty about not being able to save someone she loved. Or tried to kill you and Xena, just for standing up for your daughter. You still think she'd want me to be queen?" She shook her head. "I'm not so sure."

"Gabrielle?"

The bard nearly leapt from her skin at the sound of Xena's voice, quiet and unexpectedly close.

"Sorry," she managed. The brief hurt on Xena's face was just as quickly locked away, and the warrior's eyes flicked over to Varia before settling back on the bard. 

"Not interrupting, am I?"

"Not at all." Gabrielle exhaled noisily. "We were...discussing politics."

"Mm." A half smile touched the warrior's lips as she looked toward the approaching land, made misty and distant by a light evening fog. "Can't stand 'em myself."

Varia shrugged. "Me neither."

The casual tone was enough to ease Gabrielle's concern, down to the way her muscles abruptly realized just how tense they had become. Maybe when they got back she could convince Xena to make camp at some polite and reasonable distance from the Amazons. At least until she could figure out what to do about --

Xena squinted, focusing on the thin strip of shoreline. "Someone on the beach."

Varia was instantly at attention, trying in vain to match the warrior's sight. "Who is it?"

"Can't see." Xena's posture was relaxed, but Gabrielle knew from experience how deceptive outward appearances could be.

"Should I alert the others?" Varia's concern was apparent, but Xena gave no indication of alarm.

"Not yet." The warrior leaned over the prow. A heartbeat passed, the only sound of lapping waves and wind until Xena spoke again. "They're waving at us."

"That's strange." Varia squinted against the setting sun, trying to make out the lone figure only now barely distinguishable from its stark surroundings. "I didn't think we'd left anyone behind. Everyone who's left is on the ship."

She cast an unreadable glance at Gabrielle, but suddenly Xena was gripping the bard's hand, pointing to shore.

"Gabrielle, it's Eve!"

A splash from the side signalled a dropped anchor, and Xena turned to the crew as the boat pulled to a halt.

"We need people to stay on board tonight and guard your new warship! Any volunteers?"

She suppressed a grin at the resulting mad scramble.  


* * *

  
Varia's sudden apprehension came with a pang of resentment at the sheer joy on Xena's face. Though she might have made her public peace with the woman's daughter, it was easy to put it behind her when she thought that _Livia_ was gone from their lives for good. But apparently, the fates had other plans. Bad enough having to apologize to both mothers, and if she had to deal with Eve herself there was no telling what might happen. Gabrielle's face wore an odd mixture of gladness and dismay, and Varia took some small consolation in knowing that even the bard found her own daughter's presence a mixed blessing. It made her own burden that much easier to bear.

The light fabric of Eve's robe appeared scant protection from the approaching chill, but she remained still as a statue, watching the ship's occupants disembarking and making their way toward shore. Varia could feel the tension in her fellow Amazons at the woman's mere presence, coiled just below the surface, held back solely out of respect for Xena.

"Mother --" And now Eve was running, holding up her robes to avoid them getting tangled; the very picture of innocent maidenhood as she came to a stop in front of Xena and Gabrielle. Both women glanced at one another, and brief uncertainty flickered over Eve's features before Xena stepped forward, enveloping her daughter in a firm embrace.

A flurry of mutters rippled through the assembled Amazons, dying away as the warrior relinquished her grasp. Gabrielle's eyes were tired but her smile genuine as she took the place of her partner, whispering something in her daughter's ear.

 _How touching._ Hardly a charitable thought. But Eve's bloody history ran deep enough that her own mother could have told her -- either one of them -- that it would never be entirely erased. 

"The Romans were following me, so I had to double back." Eve's voice was barely audible as the Amazons drew closer. Her eyes were troubled as she surveyed the ragtag group of women, now visibly diminished from their original numbers. "But when I came upon the Amazon camp...it had been destroyed."

"We're all that's left." Gabrielle didn't make it sound like the end of the world. To Varia's ears, it made it that much worse.

Eve's gaze flickered over the Amazons again, and back to Xena. "What are your plans?"

"Uh...not much, kiddo." The simple question apparently caught Xena momentarily offguard. It was almost comical to see the warrior this unprepared. "Thought you were headed off to Chin?"

"Still trying to arrange safe passage." Eve looked even younger and more awkward. "Maybe we could have dinner tonight? Just the three of us --"

Xena and Gabrielle exchanged a quick but significant look. A heartbeat later Gabrielle stepped forward, drawing her daughter aside, and Varia felt an unexpected surge of amusement. She didn't need to hear a word, could well imagine the specifics. Like most Amazons, she'd been there herself more than once, played more than one role: _Uh, I hate to break it to ya, kiddo, but your mom and I really need some...quality time together...alone._ Eve was looking back at the band of Amazons with increasing obvious foreboding, leaving litle doubt in Varia's mind as to how her evening would be spent.

 _Hades,_ she thought, with no real bitterness. Then again, considering everything they'd just been through, playing babysitter might be a small price to pay.

A crestfallen Eve was now speaking to Xena, and Gabrielle turned and approached the Amazons. Her bearing matched her dress uniform, still ready for battle; military to the maximum. No wonder Mommy was pushing for date night.

Varia held back, letting the rest of the group go on ahead. The women were clearly hesitant, torn between treating Gabrielle as a Queen or as an equal. But the diminutive blonde showed another of her many skills; proving her reputation as the bard of legend by easing tension among Varia's own followers and those led by Cyane, smoothing over the rough spots between the tribes. True, there were always a few holdouts. Warriors could be a stubborn bunch.

Cyane chuckled as Gabrielle and Xena waved and turned away from the group, heading off toward the woods. The two of them watching the Amazons, who were watching the pair disappear amongst the trees.

"Rumors will abound tonight."

Varia allowed herself to be seen wearing a reluctant smile, at least for a moment. She'd never been one to relish the theatrics of social drama even at the best of times, but in the wake of the horrors they'd seen, the losses they'd had to endure, such mundane concerns could be a welcome escape.

"Not my problem." More a concern was the increasing chill as the sun began to sink toward the horizon. At least Cyane and her followers were dressed for the weather.

Cyane surveyed the scattered crowd with an auctioneer's eye. "How do you want to divide up the chores?"

"Hadn't thought about it," Varia admitted. It gave them something neutral to talk about, anyway. The remaining Amazons were split roughly between Varia's tribe and those led south by Cyane, and it only took a few awkward negotiations to divide responsibilities enough that both leaders could assign tasks amongst their own. Eve was still hovering nearby, off at a distance from both camps as one group of women took the dinghy back to the ship to join those few left onboard. Another were forming up a a scout's brigade, while the rest set off to the raided encampment for any supplies worth scavenging. 

The entire remnants of the Amazon Nation, Varia thought, not for the first time. No home, no true Queen; reduced to a pitiful pack of nomads. Not as if they all weren't feeling the same, at least to some degree, but none moreso than she and Cyane. The entire weight of the Nation rested heavy on her, and she could only imagine how Gabrielle felt.

She could at least give thanks to Artemis that Cyane's earthy demeanor kept her relatively cheerful and optimistic. Living for today had its drawbacks, but her rival chief concealed a surprising sense of humor behind her serious outward mien.

"Cyane, this is Inez." Varia indicated the sole remaining Amazon. "She's our best tracker." Unspoken was the fact that she had only recently earned this position due to the premature demise of her superior.

Eve watched as the warriors clasped arms, sizing each other up. Inez was lithe yet sturdy, with a broad face and ruddy complexion, her hair in multiple braids gathered into a single ponytail.

"She'll help us keep watch tonight." Varia glanced over at the forest again, feeling Eve's gaze upon her. Not for the first time, she marveled at the weight of history compounding the young woman's crimes, predating yet parallel to Xena's own. She found herself abruptly very glad that Xena had spared them the additional burden of her presence, and then guilty for her own honest reaction.

Inez was casting a wary glance at Eve, frowning at the flimsy footwear and gauzy, impractical robe. Varia could sense the silent scorn, the casual dismissal of someone who had never had the misfortune of seeing the murderous Livia at the height of her bloodshed.

"Then let's get a fire going."

She left the delegation up to her new partner. Thankfully, Cyane took the unspoken hint and sent Inez off to patrol, leaving them to start gathering bits of wood and dry brush. Eve joined in without being instructed, albeit on the far side of the clearing from them, and Varia found herself reflecting once more on the vast contrast between all three of them. Most notably, Cyane lacked the sort of personal history with Livia that had driven Varia all too long on the path of vengeance; she'd heard plenty of stories about Eve's mother, like all of the northern Amazons, but again that lack of first hand experience kept her well clear of outright hostility.

She watched out of the corner of her eye as the other Amazon continued her attempts to draw Eve out of her shell. Normally Varia would have spoken as one warrior to another, though she had known a number of good people who had forsworn violence. Of course, that usually tended to explain the past tense.

"Why'd you change your name?" Cyane sounded as non-confrontational as ever. Still, she clearly expected a straight answer. Something of substance.

"I'm not the same person." Eve measured her words with care, not meeting the other woman's eyes. "You should know it's not easy living up to a legend."

"I know who I am." Cyane regarded Eve with a critical gaze. "Who are you?"

Eve swallowed. "I don't know."

Varia shrugged, depositing her bundle of sticks by the freshly dug pit. "At least you're honest."

Eve threw a sharp glance at her. But the words held no rancor, and after a moment the other woman looked away. "I guess I'm my mother's daughter."

Cyane's good humor continued unabated. "Which one?" 

Varia didn't realize she was waiting for the answer as well until a shout rang out from the forest. Inez emerged from the trees, a Roman soldier before her, both hands bound at the wrist. He stumbled blindly forward, seemingly unaware of his captor.

"Found him hiding in the woods!" The other Amazon's glee was apparent even at this distance, and Varia's heart sank at the thought of having to deal with this added responsibility. As they came closer she could see fresh bruises on his face, the smirk from Inez leaving little doubt as to their source. 

"We're low on rations as it is." Varia shrugged, affecting disinterest. "I'm not feeding prisoners."

Eve pushed her way forward, eyes widening as she took in full sight of the prisoner. "This man is starving!"

The horror in her voice almost made Varia laugh out loud, but the girl sounded genuinely shocked. The man was swaying back and forth on his feet, looking unable to bear the weight of his own armor.

"Then let him go fend for himself." She tried to make it sound less like a command. It didn't stop Inez from reacting precisely the way Varia had hoped she wouldn't. 

"You'd let him go?" The younger Amazon clapped a rough hand on her captive's shoulder, shoving him down to his knees. His face twisted in pain, and Varia actually winced at the sight of rough gravel biting into his bare legs. "After everything they've done?"

"We're not butchers." This from Cyane, far more commanding than Varia had dared. Her arms hung loosely at her sides. "And what if he's not alone?"

"All the more reason to take him out now." Inez turned her head and spat to one side. "I'd be happy to relieve you of your _duty._ "

Now that kind of attitude, Varia thought, should merit at least ten lashes. Except she was too preoccupied counting the weapons on everyone's person; how many more she knew of within their reach. Inez had a dagger and short sword, no ranged weapon; if only she had one of those round things like Xena she could do something about this upstart right now --

The soldier lurched into motion, staggering to his feet. Inez reached for her sword and froze as Eve stepped forward, actually laying one hand on her wrist, forcing her weapon to remain sheathed.

Varia remained perfectly still. In the corner of one eye stood Cyane, likewise immobile.

"Take your hands off me." The words hung in the air like frozen steel as Inez stared Eve down. The soldier's gaze darted from side to side, his muscles visibly tensing.

"Both of you!" Varia snapped. Her thoughts were a crimson haze, a jumble of bitter-fresh memory as she gave the order to slaughter every last Roman. Helpless they'd been, little better than this one. His eyes were wide with terror, arms trembling with exertion as he strained against his bonds.

"I won't let them harm you." Eve's voice was pitched low, as if she were soothing a wild animal. "Please. You're only hurting yourself --"

As if in a dream, Varia saw it all. Inez stepping forward, outthrust blade in hand; the panicking Roman lashing out in clumsy retaliation. And Eve, caught in the middle as she turned at the waist, pulling Inez over her leg, hurling her to the ground.

"Bitch!" Inez cradled her wrist, held at an unnatural angle, her sword laying abandoned in the tall grass. "I promise you. This isn't over --"

"Oh, no..."

Varia couldn't process the grief in Eve's voice until she saw the fallen Roman, lying in a broken heap. Eve was down on her knees, taking him by the hand, her stricken features belying the resolve in her voice. Varia could only just hear the words, a steady stream of reassuring questions: _Who do you love? What do you have to live for?_ Cyane too was mesmerized by the sight before them, by the lightning transition from warrior to priestess. Inez merely stared, a sneer of contempt writ larger than life across her jawline, and yet Varia could see the weakening facade for the sheer dumbfoundedness that it is, having witnessed this spectacular and involuntary exhibition of martial prowess. The Roman was gone, had been gone long moments ago and Eve was obviously trying not to cry, rocking back and forth as she held his lifeless body in her arms.

"He was dying." Cyane was kind, a calm note in the storm of emotions swirling about them. "Probably bleeding inside. You didn't know."

"I should have recognized the signs." Eve's voice was barely a whisper. "He was trying to hide it..."

The look on Inez's face would have been comical. It actually was regardless, until the other Amazon opened her mouth once more.

"Tears?" The single word was spat with all the scorn Inez could muster. "You must be joking! You don't deserve to die by the hand of an Amazon! Why, I'll --"

Varia was just about to intervene when Eve looked up from the body, her face set in stone. Inez bit back and swallowed the remainder of her sentence. From the look of it, a bitter one indeed.

"Do I need to shame you?" Cyane cocked her head, both hands on her hips. "Or are you going to help dig a grave?"

Inez whirled about, staring at her Queen in silent outrage.

"Don't look at me," Cyane chuckled. "You got yourself into this."

"You -- you expect me to bury that filth?" Inez gestured at her dangling hand. "With this arm?"

Cyane's smile disappeared. "I'd suggest using the other one."  


* * *

  
To Varia's satisfaction -- and it must be said, surprise -- Inez offered no further argument. They spelled each other through the next few candlemarks until the moon was full, the hole deep enough to deter those in search of carrion. Eve's lips were moving as they lowered him into the ground, but not a sound reached Varia's ears.

Inez shot a silent glance at Cyane, who considered a moment before returning a brief nod. The younger Amazon turned without a word and marched off into the darkness.

"Give her space." Cyane finished strapping up her boots, offering Varia the dryest of smiles. "And time."

Varia watched as Cyane followed her wayward charge into the night. Eve's presence behind her was like hot coals; a layer of ash concealing the heart, awaiting only breath to give it new life.

She cleared her throat. "Let's get that fire started."  


* * *

  
She told herself the fire wasn't big enough. Still, for whatever reason, Varia woke just before dawn to find herself sharing a blanket with Eve, both of them fully clothed yet snuggled together like old lovers. Inez, sitting across the circle from them, let out a quiet snort, then looked away under a glare from Cyane.

Eve was sitting up now, blinking her eyes, confusion turning to embarrassment. Varia opened her mouth, unsure of what she would say.

From over the hill, Xena's unmistakable war cry echoed across the plains. The four Amazons had only time to freeze, staring at one another, before another sound reached them: A high-pitched shriek, followed by an enormous splash.

Inez clapped one hand over her mouth, unable to completely muffle the explosive guffaw. Before she knew it Varia was laughing right along with her, Cyane joining in as a crimson Eve buried her face in the Amazon's chestplate. Varia looked down at the woman in her arms, marvelling at the sensation of warm breath at her bosom, and found herself utterly blank as to how she had arrived at this point. 

_Now to find out,_ she thought.

What happened next.


End file.
